Moved my blog...

Since things are getting more complicated, we have decided to move my blog. See you there.
http://www.littlemisshannah.com/

Another piece of the puzzle

Dr. M, the hematologist, is out of town until Wednesday. But Dr. B, our pediatrician who I absolutely love for how much he goes out of his way to help, looked up the results of the liver function tests for Baby H from last Thursday. They all were normal with the exception of an elevated GGT in the 500s. What that means? Possibly some biliary duct obstruction or liver damage, but Dr. B admitted he isn't an hepatologist and is calling TCH to get us set up with one sooner rather than later. But apparently this wouldn't have anything to do with the spleen/blood issue.

But hey, any piece of the puzzle is a step ahead, right? (At least that is what I keep telling myself).

"I have a sick child"

There, I said it. I've been blowing this off for the past two months, but after Thursday's visit, I just can't deny it anymore. Baby H has always acted fine, so in my mind, I knew she was fine. But the truth is, she isn't fine. There is something seriously wrong with her, and at this point, the doctor's don't know what it is. All I know is that it isn't something very common or easily diagnosed at this point. But finding out what is wrong with her has taken a more prioritized path than it had just Wednesday, before the TCH appointment and noticing her liver has significantly enlarged.

I have a lot of guilt about this...did I do something wrong during the pregnancy? Maybe this is payback for my fear and apprehension about having her when I found out I was pregnant? Is this a result of my pregnancy-induced hypertension?

I look at her list of symptoms -- enlarged liver, enlarged spleen, slight anemia, and low platelets. I wonder if there are other symptoms that we are missing? I wonder if since I've never done the "newborn thing" that there are things that I just assume are normal in a baby that may be aren't?

Then I look at my big boy E. He'll be 8 next month, and his weight has dropped down to 53 pounds, fully clothed, no shoes, and he is of normal height for his age. I know it is most likely caused by the ADHD medication, Vyvanse, since that is a common symptom. We just cannot get him to eat well. I mean, he may have a good-sized meal every once in a while, but even trying to get him to eat fatty and high-calorie stuff like ice-cream, pizza, or cheeseburgers is tough because he "just isn't hungry." He has dropped under the 50th percentile for weight at this point, not officially, but based on growth charts online. He has his 8-year wellcheck appointment in the next few weeks, I wonder what Dr. B, our pediatrician, is going to say and do.

Then there is little girl A. My big girl. She is still having pee accidents at home every once in a while. I honestly don't know if it is regression because of the baby because it really only happens at home, but it has happened on a couple of occasions at school. Never has happened while we were out running errands or going out for a meal or something. She's 4-1/2 years old now.

Tomorrow is my postop with my OBGYN. Now that I'm almost turning 40, I need to talk to him about a mammogram. I need to make sure I'm healthy right now, especially with everything else going on right now. Oh yeah, did I mention I still have really high blood pressure since giving birth? Last check on Monday was 170/100. Needless to say, I have been a big more diligent on my BP medication. What happened to this PIH supposed to be going away after giving birth?

Tuesday is more bloodwork for Baby H. They are testing for some metabolic storage diseases/syndromes. I hope they find some answers. I love that little girl. She has truly made me so happy, I just can sit and stare at her all day long. My mom asked me if I have gotten bored yet taking care of her all day in and all day long, and honestly, I haven't. I just love being with her. (Of course, I'd love for her to sleep through the night, but at least we are down to one feeding during the night that I have to wake up for instead of two!).

New Symptom

Went to TCH today for followup with the hematologist. Last time, he was very carefree and not very proactive with Baby H because it seemed as she was getting better on her own (hence the 5-week later followup). That changed today.

It seems that since the ultrasound 3 or 4 weeks ago, her liver is now "significantly enlarged." What this means, I have no clue. He seemed pretty concerned and wants us to see a colleague of his, a gastroenterologist, at TCH next week. He was stumped as to what was causing the low platelets (which dropped from 120 to 107 since last week) and the enlarged spleen, but maybe this enlarged liver can shed some light on things.

I asked him if we are dealing with something life-threatening at this point. He said "No." Then I said, do we need answers in the upcoming days, weeks, or months. He said "weeks."

So frustrating...not to mention that I spent over 3-1/2 hours there today between the first blood draw (which Baby H screamed) which was a heelprick to waiting to see the doc and then waiting another 90 minutes to get more blood work intravenously (to check liver function and related things.).

SO much to update...

Ike
Wow, we made it! We were right in the eye of the storm, and we ended up hunkering down in the walk-in closet under the stairs. It really worked out great. Fortunately, the eye of the storm with the strongest winds hit after the kids went to bed very, very early in the morning. It sounded scary at times, but I was more afraid of and waiting to hear a tree fall on our house. There are thousands of trees in our city and about 15 trees that are between 40 feet and 60 feet tall next to and around our immediate house. After all was said and done, 4 of those trees fell down and THANK GOODNESS none of them hit our house! We were SOOOO lucky.

We ended up being without power for 4 days and our phone landline (not digital) died for a couple of days. Thank goodness after that first full day without air conditioning the weather became absolutely gorgeous. That first day was horrible though with the heat and humidity!

We spent a lot of time with a few of our neighbors, playdates, chit chatting, etc. You know, life without TV, internet, etc., is really not so bad. With the exception of air conditioning, fridge/freezer, and just some light at night to see, we really did well without power for those days. Even since the power came back on, our TV and other electronic usage has cut back dramatically, and we are still hanging out with our neighbors more. It was really nice seeing many on our street come out and just hang out together every day.

Baby H
Fortunately Dr. B's office reopened today after having their trees that fell cut back. They only suffered external damage to the building and water damage in the lobby (the carpet was pulled out today.). He did an 8-week check on Baby H, and she is looking great and right on target. She even weighs 9 lb 15 oz already - the 25th percentile! Even better news? Her platelets were at 120,000!!!! They are going up on their own! Normal is 150,000 to 350,000, and we are SOOO close to getting to the low end of normal. We still have to meet with the hematologist downtown next week (we confirmed they are open) to find out WHY her spleen is still enlarged and to start coming up with a gameplan.

But she is doing great. She is really good at lifting her neck up and keeping it up for quite a while now, minutes at a time. She is working on pushing up to, and I think that is her favorite position. She is awake and more alert now and for much more often. We are going through a feeding crazy phase today where she wants to eat every 90 minutes to 2-1/2 hours instead of every three hours. Last night though she did this right before bed, and she slept 5 hours straight! That was the longest she has ever slept at night.

Little Girl A
She has been having some major attitude and attention-getting issues at preschool. So much so, we had to have a "meeting" with the director of the preschool and her two teachers the Tuesday before Ike hit. It is obvious she is going through a transition issue, but she has been REALLY bad in class -- not listening, ruining other kid's projects, hitting, pushing, etc. DH and I decided that I really need to spend some more one-on-one time with her, and that Wednesday before Ike hit, she and I spent the afternoon together after I picked her up from preschool early. We had a Mommy and Little Girl A playdate -- she loved it, and I actually did too. It was fun. The next day at preschool, her teachers told me how wonderful she had actually been so far. She even got a special sticker for being so good. So, I know I have to work on that after the kids go back on Monday.

Big Boy E
He's funny. He is a very intelligent boy, gifted for sure. I got an email from his new 2nd grade teacher saying that she has recognized this and has started giving him more challenging projects to work on when the other kids are working and he has nothing to do. I'm so glad that she took his first grade teacher's advice on that! Though he DID get an incident notice that last day of school for talking too much in class.

More
There is just so much more going on, but for now, we are just trying to get back into a routine after Ike swept through. I'll share more later!

We Survived! :-)

Just a quick update to let everyone know that we are all safe and sound after Hurricane Ike visited us over the weekend!

We are still without power or phone service. Cell service is very spotty and we seem to only be able to receive and send text messages. Our house held up very well - lots and lots of trees down but our house was spared, thanks to a previous tree-removal project!

We're hoping to get power back today or tomorrow and get our lives back in order!

Robert

What to do...

We got the ultrasound and Doppler results. Her spleen IS enlarged (no, duh) and is 8 cm, which according to the report, is 2 standard deviations above the upper end of normal. Not sure how much a standard deviation is though. I need to contact the hospital she was born at to get a copy of the original ultrasound report so the docs can compare the growth factor between then and now. There is NO portal vein hypertension, and her blood flow to/from the spleen looks normal. There is some slight restriction on her hepatic artery that is "nonspecific" but that doesn't seem to be a concern right now.

Also, Baby H's platelets are at 94, which is just 1 point higher than it was at the last visit on the 13th. But "at least it didn't go down!"

So, after talking to Dr. B, he wanted me to make an appointment with Dr. M, the hematologist, in two weeks and see him back in 4 weeks. The next day, Dr. M calls me with the results of the ultrasound not knowing that Dr. B had pulled them up the day before and let me know the results. He told me that he wants to see Baby H in SIX weeks and to follow up with Dr. B in 3 weeks. I called Dr. B back with that info, and Dr. B wasn't too pleased because he wants answers sooner than later because since we have ruled out almost all acute reasons for the enlarged spleen (infection, etc.,), he is concerned that it may be metabolic and require more invasive testing (like biopsies, etc.). But he agreed to go with the flow for now.

I called and made an appointment with Dr. M on 9/25 -- which will actually be the 4-week mark instead of 6-week mark. We'll see Dr. B the week before that just to get another platelet count to see if there is any change.

I have more to share (the fun stuff), but I'm exhausted! I'll be back later to share what has been going on with my THREE kids :)

Finally got the ultrasound and Doppler done...

Today was just a mess...

I left the house at 7:15 AM to try to make it downtown for our 8:45 AM appt for Baby H's ultrasound and blood flow study. I was SO exhausted, as I don't think I got more than 4 hours sleep that night before. We didn't get checked in until 9 AM. However, we were waiting to be called, and Baby H was hungry because she hadn't eaten since 6 AM. So, I started feeding her.

Finally got called in about 5 minutes after I started feeding her, and the ultrasound technician says that "she wasn't supposed to eat for 4 hours before her appointment" and that I would have to either wait 4 hours or come back another time! EXCUSE ME! WTH? No one told us that she wasn't supposed to eat 4 hours before, and believe me, I would have remembered that because she has always gone 2-3 hours between feedings and NEVER has made it to 4 hours!! I was friggin pissed off, believe me. But, what choice do I have? We decided to wait it out.

We still had about 90 minutes left until the 2nd-take of our appointment, and Baby H was absolutely miserable because she was so hungry. I have never heard her scream so much, and it seemed like nothing was consoling her. She isn't much of a pacifier baby, but at least that helped for part of the time. It was heartbreaking seeing her like that.

FINALLY, we got in for our ultrasound appt, and Baby H was still miserable. The appointment took about 45 minutes, and I have no clue what the results are. I'm HOPING that we find out Tuesday morning at Dr. B's office because the ultrasound tech didn't even give me any hints, and I couldn't even tell what I was looking at.

Tuesday, we have two doctor's appointments -- 8:45 AM with Dr. B for Hannah, and then I have my doctor at 11:30 AM to check my blood pressure (to see if it has gone down or if I am going to be put on more chronic medication).

I fell asleep at 8:30 PM tonight and woke up at 11:30 PM to take over the feedings from DH. I just couldn't keep my eyes open tonight. And now, it is almost 2 AM and I'm awake. Tomorrow should be another fun one!

On a separate note, today was the first day of school for E (second grade) and A (preK), and they both had fantastic days! A even told me that she wanted me to pick her up at nighttime so she could stay longer :)

Exhausted!

DH had to go out of town for a big conference on Tuesday, and he won't be back until Friday late afternoon. Taking care of three kids, especially with one being a newborn and on an every 2-3 hour eating schedule, is just wearing me out!! I cannot WAIT for him to come home tomorrow!! Today is going to be the worst day because they are both home from camp plus it is raining heavily outside.

Baby H is doing well. She has her spleen ultrasound and Doppler study Monday morning at 8:45 AM downtown. I think I have to leave the house at 7 AM to get there in time. Dr. B wants to do a followup weight check and blood work the next day, Tuesday, at 8:45 AM. She's been eating between 2 to 3 ounces per feeding, sometimes 1.5 oz and sometimes a bit more than 3. However, she has been straining like she is constipated for the past couple of days, so I'm going to see about adding a bit more water into her formula -- she hasn't pooped in two days, which is NOT like her!

I'm LOVING having a newborn. It isn't that I feel like I missed out with E and A, but this is just a new and exhausting experience with such a tiny little person. I'm really enjoying it! (Of course, I can't wait for DH to come back so I can get some naps in!).

Little Girl A is doing okay. She has had "accidents" for the past couple of months, usually just pee, which we attributed to her anxiety about the baby. Unfortunately, they are still continuing. So I'm wondering if she actually has a medical issue like a UTI (but she isn't complaining of pain) or something. It happened at camp on rare occasions, but it mostly happens at home. She just seems to get so preoccupied in what she is doing and just goes. I'll have to talk to Dr. B about it when I see him for Baby H next week.

E is doing great with the new baby. Looking back, with his ADHD medication and all, he has done extremely well this summer controlling his ADHD. I mean, I can count the number of times on both hands that we have had any sort of blowup or "out of controlness." Which, considering how it was almost daily before his new medication, is a HUGE improvement.

Both kids start school on Monday -- thank goodness!!!! I cannot WAIT to get into a new routine. E is starting 2nd grade, and he found out his teacher yesterday. So far, we know that he has one friend in his class, a girl who lives over on the next street. A starts pre-k, and she is so excited to go into the 4-year-old class. Since she already knows her teacher real well and since her "old class" is just down the hall, it should hopefully be an easy adjustment.

What I would give for a nap right now... :)

Positive appointment!

Despite the fact that we had to wait two hours to see the doctor today, the appointment went really positively. We were completely SHOCKED when we found out her platelets jumped up to 93! Yes, that is NOT a typo! It went from 52 to 93 in just two days! They took the blood straight from her vein this time instead of a heel prick, but even the doctor said that should have not been such a substantial difference. Doesn't matter, I'll take it!

The enlarged spleen is still an issue, and this doctor thinks it is related to her platelet issue (which relates to a lot of what we have read). They are going to do a spleen ultrasound next week along with a spleen Doppler (check the blood flow to the kidney). They want to rule out a problem with blood flow to her kidney, which could be the cause of her enlargement and also the platelet issue. So, that is what is next.

I'm SOOO relieved to see a 93! Granted, it isn't "back to normal" yet, but for her, this is almost unbelievable. I was in such shock, I almost wanted them to do it again just to make sure it isn't a fluke. Obviously, she can go up or down it seems like. But 93, yay!

Wednesday it is...

Dr. B contacted the Hematology team at TCH downtown, and they said that we can wait until Wednesday's appointment. We are actually meeting with the Head of the Hematology team (of which there seem to be almost 100 clinicians), so we don't want to lose that coveted meeting. I was actually impressed that Dr. B was able to get an appointment with him directly so soon.

But for now, we are just doing as we have been. I had a little freakout this morning because her umbilical stump started bleeding a little bit, but Dr. B checked it out (as he wants us to be diligent) and saw that it was okay and "normal."

We better start getting some answers.

52

52. Her platelets dropped from 66 to 52 from Friday afternoon to today, Monday morning. I'm crushed. Dr. B is going to call his colleague from TCH downtown in the Hematology department to see if they want to see Baby H earlier than Wednesday. I'm just waiting to hear.

Relaxing at home

DH got his wish... All three kids at home for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. He and I have always been HUGE Olympic fans, especially during the summer games. We were so excited to bring her home that day before the opening ceremonies!

It has been a very mellow weekend, as we are just hanging around the house. Baby H has not been eating AS much as she did in the hospital, and by trial and error, we have now realized that she likes the ready-made formula much better than the powder AND she doesn't like the soft playtex dropins nipples. So, we have gone with the recommendation of the occupational therapist from the NICU and have gone with the Soothie brand of bottles.

Dr. B called last night, Saturday night, to check on Baby H. Caught me by surprise because it said "private caller" on my caller ID, which usually means my parents. He just wanted to check on her and find out when our appointment was. When I told him it was 11:30 AM on Wednesday, he asked if I would bring her in Monday morning for another platelet count. He is obviously worried a bit about her because I found it very unusual, but comforting, that he would take time away from work on a weekend-night and check up on her.

I'm starting to figure her out a bit more. When she is cranky and bobs her head up and down while on my chest that means she is hungry. She is really good at lifting her head a bit while on tummy time, which shocked me because she is so little!

E and A are doing much better. A won't leave Baby H alone and is constantly kissing her and "fixing her" clothes, blanket, etc. We have actually had to tell A to leave Baby H alone sometimes because she can be a bit smothering.

On a separate note, I quit my job last week. Because I started FMLA early because of bedrest, I would have had to go back to work in a couple of weeks, and with everything going on with Baby H and doctor's visits, I just wasn't ready to deal with that yet. We will have to tighten up a bit, but I know this is best for me, Baby H, and really our whole family in trying to get back into a routine. Fortunately, my bosses understood and have made me eligible for rehire when I want to come back.

Camp tomorrow for E and A. DH is going to take them in the morning while I take Baby H to Dr. B's office for another platelet draw. I'll have to bring Baby H to both kids camps though to pick them up -- not looking forward to that! I'm going to have to use the stroller because even though I have seemed to recovered quickly, carrying the car seat with her in it for a longer distance than just a couple dozen feet or so is really taxing on my abdomen.

Next phase begins...

It was great having Baby H home last night. She slept in a PackNPlay next to our bed. She ate every 3 hours, and I was on baby duty last night because DH was just beyond exhausted. I didn't mind, although I only ended up with 2+ hours sleep because of the novelty of everything.

We went and saw Dr. B today, and he did another platelet level. She went down from 68 yesterday to 66. During our appointment, he excused himself to make a phone call to the Hematology group downtown at his "group" hospital (instead of the Hematology group of the hospital we were at). We have an appointment Wednesday at 11:30 AM to start a workup on Baby H to find out what the heck is going on. This is VERY exciting because this is the same hospital group that saved A's life when the other hospital couldn't figure out why they couldn't get her pneumonia under control (and ended up needing surgery). THIS hospital is one of THEEE best children's hospitals in the entire country, and I'm so excited to be able to have them work with us on Baby H.

Baby H was screaming louder than I have ever heard her when she was getting her blood drawn from a prick in the foot. The technician put a bandaid on it afterwards. When I got home and changed her diaper, I took the bandaid off. That little prick left a blood stain on the bandaid that was the size of a nickel and completely soaked. It was then that I realized how serious her condition really is. If a little pinprick takes that long to clot, we really have to be extremely careful with her. Dr. B said that if she has any bleeding that takes even a bit longer than it should that we need to take her to the ER directly.

She's sleeping next to me on the couch right now. She's so sweet and cute! Oh yeah, at Dr. B's appointment, Baby H is already back to her birthweight at 2 weeks. Apparently that is great!

She's home!!!

OMG, what a whirlwind day! It's 2:30 AM, and I'm wide awake after just feeding my beautiful daughter IN MY OWN HOME! I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow, but it is so worth it.

To make a very long story short, my favorite NP and day nurse really spearheaded the drive to get Baby H home sooner than later (waiting for the 80). They talked to the neonatologist who is in charge of her care, and he agreed that if the head of the Hematology department downtown agreed it was okay that we could bring her home tomorrow. Then, my NP talked to Dr. B, our pediatrician and to Dr. H, the Hematology head, and they said "if they want to pick her up tonight, that is fine with us." My NP said "you can wait until tomorrow if you want." Yeah right!

Since Baby H has been asymptomatic from day 1, since DH and I have been so diligently visiting and taking care of her (they called us "responsible parents), and since they feel that this is something that we can work on as an outpatient, they agreed to let her go!

After all those phone calls, I called DH to tell him the news and he high-tailed it home! With E and A in tow, I had to bring Baby H's car seat to the hospital for a car seat test. Basically, Baby H has to sit in her car seat for one hour to make sure she has no breathing or other issues. They only do this for babies born before 37 weeks (Baby H was 36w1d). She passed :)

After that, the four of us went back to the hospital to pick her up. The kids were much more excited than I thought they would be. It was so fun to see them googling over her. We left as a family of five at about 8:15 PM tonight. Just having her home was so surreal! We were ready for her, but at the same time, we really weren't ready. We are going to have to make a run to the Carter's outlet tomorrow and/or Children's place because all of her sleepers are 0-3 months, and she is still in preemie size clothes (even though she is 6 lb 11 oz again - back to her birthweight at discharge).

I also have to go see my OBGYN tomorrow for followup and to see if they got my platelet antibody test results because the Hematologist is waiting for those, as it my pediatrician and the neonatal team. We also will be see Dr. B tomorrow afternoon for another blood test (for platelets and bilirubin) and to come up with a plan of action since he is taking over the lead. We really have the best pediatrician -- I found out today from the NP that he has been in constant contact with them since the beginning, and he was thrilled to see they decided to release her and figure out what is going on as an outpatient.

Anyway, thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! I can't wait to start sharing more of the fun things now! We still have a way to go until her platelets reach normal, but at least we can do it with her safe in our arms here at home with her family.

Afternoon Meeting

Went to my general doctor this morning. My BP was 150/100, which is still high. We talked a bit about how my BP was in the normal range (120/70 and 118/74) on the two days after delivery of Baby H and how my BP seemed to increase once all hell broke loose with her having "a mass" and everything that followed that. So, he isn't sure if I have chronic hypertension, remnant pregnancy-induced hypertension, stress-related hypertension, or a combination of two or all three. He decided to put me on a low-dose BP medication, lisinopril 10 mg a day, for the next two weeks. I'm also to monitor my BP twice a day to make sure that I don't dip below normal or if I feel weak, lightheaded, etc., I am to call him immediately. In two weeks, he will decide whether to continue this medication or increase it.

I took A to visit Baby H at the hospital this morning. We were there over an hour, and she was absolutely fantastic! I guess just not having both kids there at the same time is the key!

While we were there, Susan, our favorite NP, came up to me with a down face. She said "Well, her numbers stayed the same at 64 this morning." Her day nurse and I both looked at her and said "that was from yesterday. No labs were drawn today." Susan was very surprised and disappointed. She absolutely adores Baby H and told me that every day she comes in, she immediately looks for Baby H's labs to see how she is doing. When we told her that it rewritten for tomorrow morning, she said she wanted them done immediately. She didn't want us to wait until tomorrow because SHE wanted to know how Baby H was doing.

I just got the results of the labwork, which technically was a 32-hour lab. Her platelets are at 68. Needless to say, I was disappointed. I joked that I wanted to steal her out of the NICU and bring her home. She knows how bad we want her home, and she told me some more POSITIVE news...she just got off the phone with Dr. B, our pediatrician. She is having a meeting with the neonatologist in charge of Baby H's case and is going to talk to him about letting us bring her home earlier than waiting for 80! She doesn't know if he will let us do it, and I don't know what Dr. B had said to her, but she is going to push for release knowing that we will do whatever it takes and however often it takes to get Baby H's condition resolved. I told her that I will even drive to the hospital twice a day if I have to so she can get lab work done.

I won't know the outcome of this "afternoon meeting" until later on today, possibly evening. But gosh, I am just praying that they let us bring her home and recuperate her. We know she is slow going in her platelet regrowth, but according to my general doctor, 68,000 is out of the danger zone for internal bleeding, so maybe they can consider that.

PLEASE let this meeting go into our favor! I know they only want to do what is best for Baby H, and they don't want to release her if they feel they are putting her health in jeopardy, and I DO appreciate that and respect that. I just really want her home...

Focusing on the positives...

I went and visited Baby H only twice today (because they were closed for a few hours because another baby had surgery). This afternoon, I picked E up from camp, and we went together. He is nervous about holding Baby H, but he kept showering her with kisses and talking to her with this cute little voice "Hi H, I'm your big brother E." I also let him feed her, but I don't know if he got nervous or if his arm really was tired like he said, but that only lasted a couple of minutes.

However, this morning, Baby H got a temporary roommate while I was there. It was a full term baby that was born yesterday. The nurse was whispering to the other nurse who was working on him that he was a "multiple anomoly" baby, and they were waiting on a number of tests including multiple ultrasounds, EKG, and bloodwork. They also wanted to do a chromosome study on this baby because they were trying to get the parent's consent before they could do it. It was pretty crazy, and all I could do was just sit there...three feet away...holding Baby H and just stroking her hair and hugging her. Then, one of the other nurses came over and asked if this baby was going to stay in the NICU, and the first nurse (who brought the baby in) said "No, he needs to go back to his mother as soon as the tests are done. They want to keep him with them." It was all I could do not to cry right there, especially since they were all working so frantically trying to get these tests done, and there I was, trying to be invisible but couldn't leave.

So, instead of being angry, frustrated, and just so upset that Baby H is still there, two weeks after she was born, I decided to focus on the positives because our situation could really be so much worse. After all, with the exception of the platelet level issue now and with the spleen almost back to normal, Baby H is a healthy baby. The NPs even told us that if it wasn't for a baseline bloodwork that was taken because of the jaundice that they probably would have never even known about this platelet disorder (which in hindsight could have caused more serious problems if she had an injury or would have worked itself out on its own -- we don't know yet.)

Baby H is growing fast. She was born at 6 pounds, 11 ounces. She had lost about 7 ounces after birth those first few days, but now, two weeks later, she is back up to 6 pounds, 10 ounces. She gained two ounces today alone!

She is an eater! She easily puts away 2 ounces at each feeding, and today, she even took 70 mL (30 mL per ounce). She is NOT a good burper though -- even the nurses have trouble getting her to burp. But not too worry too much, apparently she is, well, um, a "tooter" out the other end and often. She even makes this face sometimes right before as to warn us, it is so funny!

She is mellow! She is definitely not a complainer yet. She rarely cries, and if she does, it is only for a few minutes (usually when she is woken up to change her diaper.) She is just a very content little baby.

At least she is on a routine now so when we bring her home, she'll be used to her sleeping and feeding schedule. Also, with her in the NICU, I was able to recover from the Csection much quicker than I probably would have if she was home right away (again, trying to look at the positives.)

She loves to sleep on her arm and loves to have her hand near her face when she sleeps. I don't know if this is something that can be inherited, but she likes to sleep the same way I do! I find it fascinating when she is almost putting her arm under her head (when she is on her side).

She has DH's lips. That was so obvious from the first day! Honestly, I can't tell any other "his" or "mine" features at this point, but the lips are something that definitely stands out because my DH has the most perfectly shaped lips.

And most importantly, as I mentioned before, with the exception of this blood issue, she is a very healthy baby...probably one of the most healthy babies in the NICU there. She is doing everything a full-term newborn is supposed to do -- no breathing issues, eating well, pooping and peeing well, etc. She is on a monitor, but I think that is just because she is in the NICU. With all the babies in incubators and warming tables, I do feel guilty sometimes because she is the only one that we can see in an open crib. She gets to wear our clothes we bought her, and we are able to pick her up anytime we want without restriction.

They aren't doing another platelet level until Friday morning. They are just going to do it every 48 hours instead of 24. She needs to go up 16+ points on her platelets before we can take her home and treat her as an outpatient. She was able to do 21 points during the last 48-hour period, but for some reason on the 24-hour period after that, she only went up 2 points. So we have NO clue what to expect Friday morning.

As for me, my recovery from the Csection has gone remarkably well, much better than I had anticipated. I do think it helped that I had to walk so much so quickly (the NICU was on the floor downstairs from my room in the hospital plus all the visits after I was discharged) plus being able to just relax at home. The only medication I am on at this point is my BP medication. I stopped the Lortab two days after discharge, and I don't even need the Motrin at this point. I still feel twanges of pain in my abdomen on the rare occasion if I bend wrong, but I'm very careful not to move too fast.

The only remaining issues for me, and I'm going to be seeing my regular doctor tomorrow morning and my OBGYN on Friday, are my blood pressures (since I can't check them at home since my cuff broke), and I still have some residual numbness and tingling on the front of my right thigh (from mid-calf to my pelvis) which does kind of concern me. But tomorrow, I start working on getting me healthier...which in turn makes it better for me to take care of my 3 kids once they are ALL home!

Up, but not good enough yet...

64. That's it. Her platelet count only went up 2,000. The docs were hoping to see at least in the 70s this morning. "At least it didn't go down." They are going to test her again tomorrow morning. If she can't get into the 80s by Friday, they are going to "sit down and reevaluate" the situation including possibly another IVIg treatment or perhaps a platelet transfusion from me.

I didn't share this yesterday because I didn't want to get my hopes up, but yesterday, the docs were so excited with the 21-point jump that they told us that it looked like we could bring Baby H home either today or tomorrow -- expecting another big jump today. They even said to make an appointment with Dr. B (our pediatrician) for Friday for followup. They never said this was going to happen for sure, but they were "guardedly optimistic." In the back of my mind, with our history of infertility and adoption, I really wanted to believe it, but both DH and I had the mentality of "we'll believe it when we see it." Sure enough, this morning's numbers changed things...

They are going to release her when she gets to 80 to 85. So, if for some miracle (which I hope God is listening) she can get to 80 by Friday, they will release her that afternoon. We are grateful they are lowering the threshold from 100, their initial release level. We aren't sure why, but one of the NPs made the comment about knowing DH & I will keep her safe and take it easy with her until she gets up higher...I guess DH & I going to the NICU 3 to 6 hours a day, every day, shows them how much we care about her.

Fortunately, I was able to be there for her 5 PM feeding, thanks to Eduoard fizzling out on us. I only spent less than 90 minutes there, but that was good enough for me. Today, the NICU is closed from 2 PM to 5 PM (which is her two feeding times, ironically) in addition to their normal shift-change closure, so my time is going to be limited again today. But that's okay, I'm going to head out in a little bit to spend the morning with her.

Oh yeah, more positive news, her spleen is looking much better. It is not as hard and enlarged as it was, and the NP told DH this morning that it has even started softening (the way it should be). So, perhaps, whatever the situation was, the spleen needed time to repair itself which MAY have something to do with her platelet count situation.

I hope we can at least get into the 70s tomorrow (the 80s would be better, but I'm not going to push it!).

We have an increase!!!

DH just called after visiting Baby H on the way to work this morning, and we got the latest 48-hour platelet results... She went up to 62!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From 41 to 62!!! This is fantastic!! Also, her bilirubin went from 11.x to 6.7! Her liver seems to be functioning better finally!! I know we aren't supposed to totally expect this to be "the turnaround" they are hoping for because we need the next panel to see "a trend," but I will take it! I'm so excited to see this increase!!

They have to wait for the NPs and doctors to make rounds before I can get an update and their reaction to this bloodwork. I also want to know when they are doing the next platelet check, 24 or 48 hours. As much as I would hate to have Baby H pricked again for blood, I really hope it will be a 24-hour check just to see if we are still increasing or if this was just a "fluke." I know platelets should "jump" up higher than that in this time frame in a regular situation, so we'll see what they have to say.

Unfortunately, with Edouard's eye bearing down on us, I won't be able to get to the hospital today, which really upsets me. But, DH and I both agree it is better to keep A & E home from camp with me since Baby H is actually the safest one of all of us. E's camp was actually cancelled today, and since A is home on Tues-Thurs anyway, the three of us are going to ride out the storm together. I'm not too worried since it is weakening, but I just WISH I could make it to the hospital at least once today ... maybe tonight if things calm down, but we'll see. At least DH got to see her this morning and give her kisses for me.

But I just have to relish in the fact, her platelets are up to 62!!!!!!!!!

Waiting on tomorrow...

Tomorrow morning we should get our next platelet count. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping to see some improvement.

I went to see Baby H 3 times today in the NICU. With both kids in camp, I was free to just be with her, feed her, and spend time with her. I cherished it immensely. E went with me to the last feeding this afternoon after I picked him up from camp so that he could see Baby H.

While I was there, I talked to the NP who said they had a conference call with the Hematology group downtown and my OBGYN. They had me go next door to my OBGYNs office and get some bloodwork done, looking for a certain platelet antibody, PL1C or something like that. They hope that I do have it, so if I do, I can donate my own platelets to Baby H to help her fight off whatever is destroying her platelets. But if I don't have that specific platelet antibody, then they are going to start looking for more rare disorders. So, I basically walked as fast as my body would let me next door before the OBGYN office closed 30 minutes later...they took my bloodwork (first time they had ever done this panel so they had to "look it up" apparently).

Also, they aren't convinced that the IVIg didn't work. They are thinking, maybe, perhaps it did work, and that has slowed tremendously whatever is causing her platelets to be destroyed. So, if her numbers don't come back up tomorrow or go down, they may try another IVIg transfusion.

Basically, they still don't know, but as long as we have movement and aren't sitting around, I'm better about things. If I have to donate platelets to get her better, then sign me up right now and take what she needs! If it was only that easy...but then, could it be that easy? Why didn't they consider this blood test at the beginning of all this?

Also, the NP tonight told me that she is very, very lucky she didn't develop a brain bleed in utero with numbers that low. Just what a new mom wants to hear. Apparently they see it quite often with low platelets in newborns, which is why they usually work with babies who appear sick with this condition, and not like Baby H who for all intents and purposes is acting like a healthy baby.

I know, stop second guessing...we'll just wait on tomorrow's numbers...

"At least it didn't go down..."

This is what I keep telling myself today after we found out there had been relatively little change in Baby H's platelet or direct bilirubin counts. Her platelets went from 40 to 41 in the 24-hour period, and her direct bilirubin went from 2.2 to 2.1. Definitely not the change we were hoping for, but "at least her platelet's didn't go down." Now, we just wait 48 hours for another blood test to see if there is any change. I do know the neonatologist is having a "call" with the Hematology group downtown because, I guess, they aren't really sure where to go next on this.

I went to see Baby H early this morning for a couple of hours. I fed her, but most of the time I just let her sleep on my chest or in my arms, and I just could not stop looking at her and caressing her. I feel like it is all I can do to get close to her at this point since there are so many hours in a day that she gets no contact from any of us. We, the four of us, went to do the early evening feeding, and then I went back again this evening for another hour to do the evening feeding and more bonding.

Tomorrow, both kids go to camp, and it will be good for them to get back into a routine. I'll probably spend most of the day with Baby H at the hospital, but I also have to call both my OBGYN and regular doctor to schedule followups, especially since my BP cuff isn't working anymore for some reason.

DH is going to visit Baby H early in the morning since he has to go back to work tomorrow. I feel so bad for him. He is so stressed out and has been incredibly overloaded these past two months. He is SO good with her. He loves feeding her, changing her diapers, and changing her clothes. I love watching him stare into her face and talk to her. It really bothers him that he can't spend more time with her in the NICU now that he has to go back to work. But really, until we know what is going on, there isn't any reason for him not to go back at this point -- hopefully, when we bring her home, he can take a few more days off to enjoy her and adjust to our new family.

The kids are doing okay with the new baby. I think the lack of structure and routine has created incredible havoc on them, especially A. She has been REALLY difficult since I went into the hospital...the "not listening," hitting, running off, etc. E has surprisingly been pretty good with everything, especially considering his ADHD.

You know, the hardest part about Baby H being in the hospital is that we have no progress at this point. It's like I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel yet, and that is just killing me. I know in my head this isn't the case, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am being punished for not feeling "connected" to her while I was still pregnant and other feelings that I felt when I first found out about being pregnant. But now, I can't imagine loving her anymore than I already do. Just laying in my hospital room that second day with her on my chest for two hours, just the two of us, I just fell in love with her completely. Now I can't seem to get her off my mind and wish I could just sit and hold her all day and night long.

I need her home...please, please, please let something positive happen with her counts on Tuesday morning. This is really killing me.

Up in the air now...

Well, the IVIg transfusion didn't seem to help at all so far. The nurse practitioner talked to us for about 30 minutes, and it is extremely rare not to see any boost in platelet counts after IVIg with NAIT or NIIT, which means, it either isn't NAIT (which is most likely) or that we may see a late boost in platelets (not very likely).

So, we are back to square one with no working diagnosis.

The positive is that our neonatal team is now working with the Pediatric Hematology group downtown (one of the best children's hospitals in the country) our Baby H's case. Apparently she has stumped them all so far. The main puzzle piece is that everything that it COULD be has either been ruled out by bloodwork or by lack of symptoms. The fact that Baby H is so healthy otherwise (eating great, acting great, bowels and peeing great, normal temperament, not acting sick, etc.) is really throwing them for a loop in this situation.

They are going to check another platelet count tomorrow morning (as today's was 41, which was the same as yesterday morning's count). If we see the huge increase, it will be NAIT and the IVIg just took longer than normal to work...but we aren't supposed to get our hopes up for that because that is rare. If it doesn't go down and is still somewhat stable (not dropping drastically again), then they will do another count in 48 hours to see where we are.

At that point, they are hoping that her bone marrow starts to take over more control of her platelet production and whatever is causing this (perhaps the enlarged spleen, which may also be causing the jaundice) will work itself out. Her spleen has shrunk in size, which is good, but her bilirubin level is still the same (obviously not dealing with normal "newborn" jaundice).

They seem very positive that Baby H will work this out and be able to come home at some point, as they don't feel this is lifethreatening. However, even if they can get her platelets up to the 100+ mark with at least two positive trends upwards after that, we will still have to work with the pediatric hematologists downtown as an outpatient to find out what is going on.

They don't want to "prick" her too much more for blood unless they absolutely have to, which I am thankful for. By my count, she has been pricked at least 25 times in her 9-day life for bloodwork, and that is not including the three IVs she has had (one in each hand and one in her head).

Until then, we are spending a lot of time over there. Not as much as I would like to, but as much as we can, as we have had some adjustment problems with the kids, which I will go into at a later date. Needless to say, life has been very stressful in almost all respects...

Neonatal alloimmune thrombocytopenia

Severe neonatal alloimmune/isoimmune thrombocytopenia. That is the working diagnosis for Baby H's main platelet problem. The viral panel came back this afternoon, and thank goodness, her CMV (cytomegalpvirus) was negative. It also causes similar symptoms to what Baby H has, but it comes along with hearing, vision, and possible neurologic problems. So NAIT is the diagnosis of exclusion that they are working on.

Because CMV was ruled out, they are going to do an IVIg infusion tonight. From what I gather, this infusion will give her antigens to help fight against the bad antigens from my body (which apparently are fighting her platelets). Whatever will get her healthy, I'm all for it.

When we got there for the 1:30 PM feeding, the NICU nurse warned us that she had to put an IV port in Baby H's head. To them, they say it is easier to use the vein in the head so that the baby can still have her hands to herself. If all goes as planned, they will start the transfusion tonight at 6 PMish, and it will last a couple of hours. Then, they will do an IV saline flush through the IV for a few more hours after that.

Because of the IVIg transfusion, they aren't going to do blood work tonight, so we have to wait until tomorrow morning. Also, we won't be able to see her until tomorrow morning, so we actually stayed 90 minutes during this afternoon's feeding (instead of our usual 45 minutes during feeding time) just so I could have more cuddle time. Of course, she was sleeping the entire time, but I didn't care. I just loved caressing her face, rubbing her hair, touching her cheeks, kissing her head, and just staring into her sleepy little face.

We also talked to our pediatrician this morning. He has been really on top of Baby H's care and was even at the hospital earlier this morning because he had left a note with his personal cell phone number on her chart in case something happened this weekend. He definitely agrees with the course of action so far, and he explained to us that this is not a day-to-day basis type of situation but, more likely, a week-by-week basis. He can't release her early because platelets this low are very dangerous for cerebral bleeding...same thing the neonatologist told us, but he has a way of talking to us like a "real parent" in layman's terms.

So, we are keeping our fingers crossed that tonight's transfusion goes well and that tomorrow's numbers show some sort of improvement. We are also settling in for a longer haul than we had been anticipating (planning for her to be in for at least the next week and be pleasantly surprised if she comes home early).

Also, Baby H is one week old now! She was born one week ago this evening. Wow, where did the time go!

Friday AM numbers

Bilirubin only went down .1 from 11.4 to 11.3. I wonder if they are going to put her back under the phototherapy lights?

Platelets went down only 1 point to 41,000 from 42,000. I guess I should take solace that they didn't go down dramatically again like they did yesterday (drop of 12). I know that 30,000 was the number that they were going to give her another transfusion at, but I also know that her current donor platelets expire today. We'll have to wait and see.

I feel like we just aren't making any progress, you know? I'm going to call our pediatrician today to see if he can call a colleague of his from downtown (a hematologist) to check out Baby H and give us a second opinion on her condition, or at the very least assure us that we are on the right track with the treatment we are on.

Thursday PM numbers...

Unfortunately, her platelet count has dropped quite a bit from this morning ... from 54 to 42. I'm heartbroken. I want so much to have her healthy and bring her home. I had the hardest time putting her back in her crib tonight.

Her bilirubin did go down, just a bit from 11.7 to 11.4. Not quite the drop they wanted to see tonight, so that isn't great news either...though at least it didn't rise by itself.

I don't know what tomorrow brings. We'll see what the Friday AM numbers look like, I guess. I'd give anything to bring my baby girl home...Geez, even just typing this is making me want to cry again...

She's here!

I've tried writing this post for almost three days now. Each time, I get to a point and decide I'm just not in the mood to do it. Nothing horrible is going on -- my beautiful daughter is here, in the NICU for 5 days now, but as of today, things are looking more positive (nothing lifethreatening). I'm exhausted and sore, my blood pressure is still really high and for some reason my body has decided that swollen legs and hands should come after the pregnancy is over. DH and A are at the NICU right now feeding H (our baby girl) her 4:30 PM feeding, but I was too swollen and tired to go, so this is the first non-overnight feeding I have missed. But I do have a beautiful baby girl here who is just amazing, wonderful, and I can't believe how quickly I fell in love with her.

But I digress... (and will fill more details in later on)

Birth Story
I was scheduled for a 4 PM "add-on" Csection on Friday afternoon, July 25. We had picked up A and E early from camp so I could spend some time with them before DH brought them to our neighbor's house to spend the day and night. Because L&D was really busy, I didn't get a room until 3:15 PM so I knew things would be later than scheduled. The nurses came in and tried to start the IV. "Tried" is the key word there because my veins kept "popping" each time they got it in. Apparently with my blood pressure so high, my veins were very, very sensitive. Five nurses tried, and five times I got pricked...hard! The second to last time, my blood pressure dropped to 80/40, and I got extremely lightheaded and clammy. Finally, they brought the anesthesiologist in (who would later do my procedure), and he was able to get it in on the side of my left hand after numbing it with lidocaine. Thank GOODNESS that was over. Believe it or not, that was the most painful part of the procedure! About 5 PM, they wheeled me down to the OR. Here things went fast and furious. I sat up to get my spinal block anesthesia and told the anesthesiologist how I heard how painful these were. He laughed and said that the IV was the worst of it and "to watch." Sure enough, it was just a little poke of lidocaine in the back and the rest was a piece of cake! Soon after, my legs felt like logs, and it was the strangest feeling! They almost forgot to bring my husband back into the operating room, and by the time they did, my doctor had already made the first incision!

Baby H came out within minutes, and I heard her start crying. They showed her to me very quickly, and she was taken to the warmer to be cleaned up and checked out. Her apgars were 8 and 9! I kept thinking, "OMG, this is so weird!" Out of all things to come into my mind, all I could think about was how surreal this moment was...that THIS was my daughter, the one who had been inside my tummy for 9 months!! The nurses had my husband follow them to take the baby to be weighed and to wait for me in the recovery room.

My doc then asked me if I was sure that I wanted my tubes tied, and I was like "Um yes, absolutely!" This pregnancy was such a fluke, 1 in a million, that I didn't want to take another chance. So, he tied my tubes. I found out later from my DH that my doc also asked him if I was sure that I wanted a tubal ligation before the sugery started, and DH said that I was pretty positive!

Recovery was actually pretty mellow. I stayed in the recovery room for a couple of hours while just staring at DH holding Baby H. She was all swaddled up, and I could just see the amazement in his eyes. It was so obvious that she has his lips! I was able to hold her briefly while in recovery, but DH and I just kept looking at each other the whole time saying "OMG!" LOL, we were still in shock.

She was born at 5:27 PM. 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and 19 inches tall. Brownish-black hair. Just beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I couldn't stop looking at her!

After recovery, I was wheeled upstairs to my room where I spent 5 nights and 6 days (it was only supposed to be 3 nights, but because Baby H ended up in the NICU, my doc gave me an extra couple of days to stay there.) I lived on Vicodin and Motrin. I kept having this intense pain, like a knife ripping my left front incision open, from the second day on. Vicodin didn't even help, and I would cry in pain because I couldn't move and it hurt so much. Found out on the fourth day that the glue my doc used to close the incision "hardened" too much (bad batch) and became like a serrated plastic knife cutting against my incision. After my doc ripped that part of the glue off, I felt "normal" recovery pain, and I've been able to cut down my Vicodin to only 2 a day (1 in the morning and 1 in the evening) instead of 2 pills every 4 hours.

But now I'm home, recovering. I feel a lot better than I expected to at this point. I'm still sore, but I've been doing a lot of walking, and I am not really having too much problems on the stairs either (as long as I'm empty-handed). I don't get winded anymore like I did before Baby H was born, and with the exception of now-swollen feet, legs, and hands, I'm doing better. Sadly, because I have so much fluid retained, I haven't even lost a pound yet! Sure, I delivered an almost 7-pound baby, and I don't get "credit" for it LOL. However, my blood pressure is still a problem (even though it normalized for the first three days) so I'm back on the BP meds, and I'm going to see my regular doctor about different BP medication to take until either my BP comes back down (which could take months) or if I now have chronic hypertension.

Baby H
Everything with our gorgeous little girl was going well the first couple of days. She was able to room-in with me, and I loved having her right there. DH spent the first night with us, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her (My parents came into town and the kids slept over at their hotel). She did exactly as she was supposed to – eat, poop, pee, and sleep!

The second night, I was by myself because DH went home to sleep with the kids since they were missing us quite a bit. At about 12:30 AM, I asked the nurse if they could take Baby H to the nursery just so I could get some sleep. I slept a bit, but at 4:00 AM, I missed her so much, I asked the nurse to bring her back. I hated being apart from her and couldn’t sleep anymore without her there!

Later that morning, the pediatrician on call came to check out Baby H. He said she looked good except for an obvious case of jaundice, and he was going to have them bring up the photo therapy lights. He wanted to get some bloodwork to check out her bilirubin numbers.

Around late afternoon, they brought in the photo therapy lights and got Baby H set up on the machine. I absolutely HATED the mask they make the babies wear, and Baby H hated it too, it was clearly obvious. But I know she had to wear it. We were allowed to take her out to feed her, but she needed to be in those lights every other moment.

They also wanted to do some bloodwork and had to take three vials of blood from Baby H’s foot. She was NOT happy, especially since one of the vials had clotted twice on the way to the lab, so technically, her little body had to fill 5 vials!

I’m not sure how this next part really started, but DH spent that third night with Baby H and I in the hospital. About 1:00 AM, my nurse brought in this NICU nurse, and they started talking about the “mass” in my baby’s abdomen like I knew what she was talking about. DH had woken up by this time (still very groggy, he was exhausted). Then the NICU nurse made the comment about how “she only needs one kidney anyway” and then left the room. DH and I just looked at each other trying to figure out what the hell just happened, and I lost it. Call it hormones, call it fear, but I just became hysterical… what do you mean my daughter only needs one kidney? What mass? DH stormed out of the room and after the nurses to find out what the hell they were talking about.

Apparently the night that Baby H spent in the nursery, the doctor’s palpated a pass in her abdomen. The nurse that night was supposed to tell us what had been found. We were NEVER told. Our night nurse was actually really apologetic for what had happened, as they thought we had already known, but we were more furious with the NICU nurse acting as if surgery was no big deal on a 2-day old baby and treating us as if we weren’t there! I need to get more details from DH on all of this because this really has become such a blur.

Long story short…

The next morning, Baby H’s bilirubin numbers still climbed even though she had been under the photo therapy lights and phototherapy blanket, which apparently is unusual. A new NICU nurse (who was very sweet) came in and told us that the doctor’s had decided the Baby H needed to be transferred to the NICU to be assessed and monitored.

They ended up putting her on a heated open crib in the NICU with the photo therapy lights going. It broke my heart to see her in there that first time. But, in hindsight, this was the best thing for her because these items needed to be figured out.

So, here is where we are…

1] Thrombocytopenia. Baby H's platelet count is of our highest concern at the moment. Normal platelet counts are between 150,000 and 300,000. Her count went from 31,000 to 6,000, which is dangeously severe, and they were worried about intracranial hemorrages. They ended up having to give her a platelet transfusion on Monday because it was so low.

There are two thoughts as to why this is happening...either she has contracted a virus like CMV, which can have hearing, vision, and neurological defects, as well as attacking the platelets, or she has Neonatal Alloimmune Thrombocytopenia, which means that the proteins from my platelets in utero thought that her proteins in her platelets were foreign objects and attacked them (same philosophy as Rh factor, but much less common). Either way, her body wasn't able to either produce new platelets or it was continuing to destroy the platelets that were growing...we aren't sure at this point.

They take her platelet count every 12 hours, at 6 AM and 6 PM, each day. Her numbers have been like this... Pretransfusion 6,000. After transfusion, 86,000, then 79,000, then 61,000, then 54,000, then 44,000 last night. If they get to 30,000, they need to do another transfusion and would prefer to do it by tomorrow, as that is when her current bag of donated platelets expires (prefer to keep the same donor as she didn't have any negative reactions to the tranfusion).

BUT, we got some good news for the first time today! Her platelets actually went UP for the first time since this all started! To 54,000! Still extremely low for normal, but it is a GAIN, which means her body is started to produce platelets and/or her body isn't destroying the platelets she is making as much (or at all, we don't know!).

We talked to the neonatologist and the nurse practioner today about this, and both said this is a great sign, but to be prepared because it can go back down again, as they have seen it do many times. But this is a positive step forward. When we asked what they are looking for, they said that they want to see a positive "trend" of increasing numbers to over 100,000, and then we can consider sending Baby H home for outpatient continuing treatment. So that is our goal -- 100,000!

2] Jaundice. Unfortunately, Baby H's jaundice is more stubborn that most newborns. But, like the platelets, we are finally seeing an improvement in the past two checks (check once a day). She went from 13.9 up to 16.9 (normal being 0.2). We have had ups and downs with this, but after three days of being on the "down side," even though it isn't down as far as they would like, they decided to try her off the photo therapy lights from noon today on and see if she can bring it down on her own. We find out that tonight as well, as they are going to do another check at 6 PM.

3] Enlarged spleen. After doing a full abdomen and head ultrasound, it has been determined that her spleen was quite enlarged, and that was the "mass" that had been felt. No one is sure why. However, today was the first day that her spleen actually started to shrink! No rhyme or reason, but this is great. The doctor's think that maybe the spleen was eating up the platelets somehow, but again, this is just a theory.

So that's where we are medically with Baby H. Still waiting and seeing, but today was such a positive day in terms of going in the right direction finally!

As for Baby H herself, OMG, she is just amazing. We try to do as many feeds as possible even though I've already been discharged, at least 4 to 5 a day if we can. I cherish that time so much, even if it is just being able to hold her in my arms and cuddle her. She is starting to open her eyes more, and I just melt when she stares into my eyes and watches me. She also has the cutest little facial expressions, especially her "smile" (you know, the gassy effect). She also has this "am I yawning or going to cry" look she gives us. I hate having to leave her there!

DH is completely smitten with her too. We almost have to fight over who gets to feed her and who gets to hold her (I usually win, but I let him have time with her too.). I love watching him just hold her and stare at her, studying her.

The kids have both met her. E seems indifferent but happy. A just can't get enough of her. Unfortunately, they haven't spent really any quality time with her because she has been in the NICU for 4+ days, but it should be interesting to see how things work out after she gets home, which I hope is soon!

I've taken quite a few pictures, and you can check them out in our usual shutterfly location.

Today's the day!

Bad news first... My BPs have creeped up again at my doc's office. 160/110 and then 162/111 twenty minutes later.

Good news... My doc has decided that it is better to deliver baby girl today than wait until the 31st! Of course, I'm freaking out right now because I didn't really expect it, but at 36w1d, I feel comfortable knowing that she should be okay! OMG, I'm having a baby today!!! We are scheduled for the Csection for 4 PM today!!! Yikes!!!!!!

Little excitement last night!

Around 9 PM last night, we were all lying in our bed and watching "So You Think You Can Dance." I started feeling very blah and felt my heart start racing out of my chest. So I took my blood pressure (which I haven't done in quite a few days), and it was 148/126. My DH and I looked at each other like "huh?" (My doc doesn't want to see a lower number higher than the 90s). After lying down for 20 minutes, I took my BP again, and it was 163/111.

So, I made the call to my doctor. The doctor on call (his partner) told me to come to Labor and Delivery to get checked out. So off we packed the kids into the car and went. Of course, I'm sitting there thinking "Come on, we only have a week to go! Everything is planned!"

I got hooked up to the fetal monitors for what ended up being 2+ hours, and during the whole time, baby girl was doing great. She was just doing her thing, moving around a bit, sleeping, etc. But she looked good.

They took my BP when I got there, and it went down to 153/98. During the course of the 3-hours we were there, it slowly went down back into the normalish range.

But because of my BPs, the doc wanted me to do bloodwork for preeclampsia and a urine dip test. My urine came back first, and the nurse wasn't took thrilled, as it showed 2+ protein with a number in the 100s. No clue exactly how serious this is, but she mentioned the doctor was waiting until my bloodwork came back before she would decide if I had to be admitted or I could go home. I also mentioned how I had just dropped off a 24-hour collection that morning at their office, but the results wouldn't be available until my appointment with my doctor this Friday. Fortunately, after a 20-minute more wait, my bloodwork came back good. My liver and kidneys are still functioning in the normal range. Thank goodness!

Because my BPs had stabilized, my bloodwork looked good, and because I had an appointment with my doctor on Friday morning, the doctor agreed to let me go back home and continue my strict bedrest regimen. So, here I am!

35w4d

Just got back from my ultrasound. For 35-1/2 weeks, this is one big girl! She is measuring 7 lb 4 oz already! If I went full term, 40 weeks, she could have been a 9-pound plus baby! Everything looked great. We found out some cool things on the ultrasound though today, as our technician was not that busy (doc is out of town so not that many patients) and seemed to show us more than usual.

• Baby girl has hair! She showed us the hair on her head floating in the amniotic fluid. So cool!
• Her foot is 7 cm long, almost 3 inches! That's a big foot!
• She has quite a big belly LOL. Her belly was measuring 40 weeks already -- now I know where all the weight gain I haven't had has been going.
• She was practicing breathing. You could see her diaphragm going up and down. Our technician pointed it out to us. That was REALLY cool. Apparently that means her lungs are already on their way to maturity!
• Amniotic fluid, heart beat, and umbilical blood flow looked great.
• Her head is down low, I mean REALLY low -- yeah, I can feel that!

The nurse in the office took my BP, and it looked better than it had recently at 148/85. I go back on Friday when my doc returns for another checkup.

Oh yeah, we confirmed my CSection date -- 12 noon on the 31st!

We have a date!

Well, we had my nonstress test again this morning, and I drank about 16 ounces of orange juice before the test to make sure little girl was awake and active. It definitely worked because for the first time, she passed on the first go round!

After laying there for 30 minutes, the nurse took my blood pressure, and it was 150/92. Pretty high considering I had been lying there and not moving. My 24-hour urine test came back, and my protein was still in the normal range at 225 and my creatinine was also normal. Putting all that together, my doc still wants to buy us some more time before delivery. However, he is going on vacation from tomorrow through next Thursday.

So the plan is to go back on Monday and do an ultrasound and blood pressure check. If my BP is over 160/100, then it is time to reconsider with one of his partners and take action. If I'm still "hanging in there," I go back to him on Friday (the day he returns) and see what the latest BP and protein urine collection (which I have to do on Tuesday) numbers are.

But the great news is that we have a definite "end date," as he wants to schedule a CSection for July 31st at 37 weeks. His logic is that it is harder to induce a first time mom who isn't ready for delivery, especially with my BP issues. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me because I just want a healthy baby. It is just so great to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know? Oh yeah, the 31st is my nephew's birthday, how cool is that Cassie?

Obviously something could happen in between and we have to go sooner (preterm labor or BP issues), but at least there is a definite end point to meet my daughter!!

Updates

My cousin
Well, it is very difficult trying to figure out what is truly going on down there is Costa Rica. However, my brother did talk to my cousin today, and it seems that he has lost sensation in all of his extremities, even though he is sugarcoating it for his parents. He is doing physical therapy three times a day, and it is exhausting for him. Thank goodness he is still young (36). The great news is that they are trying to arrange for him to be flown from Costa Rica back to California in the next day or two. THAT would be fantastic. He has such a long road ahead of him, and we still don't know how much he will be able to improve. It is so shocking to me, almost unbelievable that this could happen to someone in my family, you know? I will just be so glad when they can get him home and get the best care for him that is available.

Me
The drama surrounding my cousin really kept my mind off being stuck in for the past couple of days. Puts things into a bit more perspective, you know? However, my BP is still creeping up when I check it at home, and I go back tomorrow for another recheck, possible nonstress test, and to find out the results of my urine/protein test from Friday. Tomorrow puts me at 34w5d. I think I'm finally getting used to the medication effects, only took a month. However, I'm still getting exhausted during the day, but I'm wondering how much of that has to do with being forced to relax all day, every day, you know?

Even though I know she isn't "cooked enough" in there, I'm so ready to meet her and get to touch her and see what she looks like. Part of me is hoping that he is going to say "now is the time!" Then again, if he says that tomorrow, that doesn't bode very well for my health because I must be getting either preeclamptic or my BP is just rising too high for him. We'll see how it goes.

E and A
E had a much better day today. He didn't have camp this week (he goes alternate weeks), but he did get invited to two playdates today. His bestfriend down our street and another neighbor's son. It is ironic because he really hasn't seen these two boys much at all this summer, so to have two playdates on the same day was good for him. It also kept him away from the Wii and DS for most of the day!

A had a good day too. She's upset though that she has to go to camp tomorrow when it is supposed to be her mommy-A stayhome day. But with E home and having an appointment tomorrow (and not knowing what is going to happen there), it is just easier having her at preschool this week. Having her and E home all day at the same time is just too much, especially if they get into a fight or disagreement, as most siblings do at that age.

Scary drama...

One of my cousins is in his late mid 30s. He went down to Costa Rica with some friends and was severely injured in a freak accident. We don't know all of the details yet, but apparently he was tubing in some shallow water, fell, and something happened and he ended up unconscious. Some of the sketchy details we have received are that he ended up in local village clinic, and he was paralyzed. Then the American consulate got involved, and he ended up in a hospital in San Jose (the capital). He had neck surgery yesterday, and they had to implant two plastic disks into his cervical neck as well as a titanium rod. My brother (who is very close with him) talked to him, and I guess he still has some paralysis in his hands and fingers. He was also very drugged up on pain medications obviously.

My aunt and uncle flew out last night. My aunt's passport had expired, so my uncle had called a local government official who met my aunt and uncle at the passport office at 7:30 PM last night and offered her a temporary passport. Nice to see our government work positively and quickly! I guess they do offer this only for medical emergencies.

I'm really worried about my cousin, and I can't believe this happened. It is hard getting firm details out of everyone out there, but hopefully things will become more clear soon. Also, I keep wondering how long it will be for him to get stable so they can send him back to the US, and how exactly does this all work?

Very, very scary...

I admit it, I cheated today!

Me
I cheated today. DH and the kids went with me to get my haircut down the street. I had to do it. Having curly and frizzy hair that was getting way too long was driving me crazy, especially after having to lay in bed day after day! I didn't want to go by myself because I didn't want a repeat episode of what happened at the market a couple of weeks ago where I almost passed out. However, nothing happened except I got a few inches cut off (A and DH got their hair cut too!). And then we went out for lunch AND dinner today. I felt like a liberated woman, but I did take it easy and stayed on bedrest in between lunch and dinner. Actually ended up taking a nap for 2-1/2 hours after lunch. I was worn out, but it was so worth it. I checked my BPs, and they didn't really get much higher than they usually are, so I was okay.

I'll be good again tomorrow, back to laying in bed or on the couch all day. The most activity I think I will accomplish tomorrow is working with DH and the kids on getting the baby's room ready. It has stuff in there, but nothing is put away, and basically just looks like a storage area!

E
On a separate note, we had a rough day with E today. You know, he has done SO well on his ADHD medication for the past two months that when he has his really bad days, you just are shocked back into dealing with that behavior. I mean, don't get me wrong, he definitely still shows his ADHD almost every morning before he takes his medication. But then, about 30 minutes later, it is almost as if his brain slows down so he can think about what he wants to do and say. It usually wears off 5 pm to 6 pm, and many nights we are okay, and on the ones we are not, he takes his caffeine gum. But it has been a long time since we actually had a bad day almost all day while he was on the medication. I mean, he gets so emotionally angry and disrespectful during these periods, as if I don't even recognize him as my child at times. A has even started to learn to stay away from him when he is "in one of his moods."

He is such a sweet and beautiful child...I hate seeing him like this. He really has done so well lately. He has won awards at camp this summer for being the "best group leader," and I've been told that he is such a good listener and a respectful camper. We've definitely seen it here too. He is so helpful, lovable, intelligent, and very understanding when he is on his medication. Don't get me wrong, he is still a 7-1/2 year old boy with "boy" tendencies, but we are learning to see the difference between "normal boy" and what is ADHD behavior. I love the fact that we have rarely seen his ADHD behavior in the past couple of months since starting the new meds.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring me my boy back. I hated how things were with him today :(

34w1d, what a beautiful place to be!

We had an ultrasound this morning. Our last one was at 29w6d, and our baby girl was measuring about a week ahead at 3 lb 12 oz. We were concerned that with my hypertension and me still not gaining any weight in the past two months that the baby wasn't growing as well as she should. Well, obviously someone didn't tell her that -- get this, 6 lb 2 oz!! She is still growing about a week and a half ahead and is in the 72% for growth for her gestational age! She is one heck of a big baby!!! SIX POUNDS already! Holy cow!! If she made it to 40 weeks, she would be almost a 9-pounder! Obviously she is gaining the weight that I'm not.

So after the ultrasound, we met with my doc. My BP is starting to creep up again. It was 154/92 at this visit. We asked him "what is the plan?" Everyone, including our ultrasound technician, kept asking us all these questions, and we just said "don't know!" But we do have some answers now. My dip urine did show some protein, so we will see why my 24-hour collection numbers are on Tuesday.

His plan is to, obviously, closely monitor my BP and labs. If Tuesday's urine collection is still within the safe range and my BP doesn't spike higher, we wait a few more days and test again. Basically, we really are on a few days to few days basis at this point. He doesn't want to see a trend of spikes in my BP.

Also, the farthest he will let me go is to 37 weeks. So this will most likely be a July baby, as the 31st would be our 37th week marker. But, again, depending on my labs and BP, it could be sooner.

He said there is a greater than 50% chance I will require a Csection, especially if he has to take the baby because of my labs or BP. The farther we get, the better chance for a vaginal delivery because my body will be more ready. However, if we have to do it sooner because of my BP or something, it is safer with a Csection. Honestly, I don't care about the "experience" of this process, I just want a healthy baby. But now I know that I have to prepare myself mentally for this possibility.

I'm feeling better about everything now that we are in the "safe zone" at 34+ weeks. The general odds of something life threatening happening to this little girl because of prematurity are really starting to disappear every day more. In my heart I know that if she had to be born tomorrow that her chances of being healthy would be good (even if she had some minor issues that required a NICU stay).

Safe zone!

Our new car (probably)

Oh yeah, in the midst of everything that has been happening over the past few months, we have been looking for a new car to replace my mini-SUV. After buying the baby's car seat, we realized that we just can not fit three kids in this car with two of them needing car seats. A is going to have hers for at least another year. So, we have been looking at mini-vans and bigger SUVs.

After a lot of research, we decided to forgo the bigger SUVs and focus on the minivans. Begrudgingly, I'm going to become a minivan-driving mama. Never thought I would say that! But with a family of five soon, it just makes perfect sense, especially when we need to take at least one or two other people with us.

So, we decided to get the Toyota Sienna in Salsa Red color. With all the gas prices killing minivan sales (which since I only drive in my area, I don't think it will affect me as much), DH has been working on a deal with a dealer. The discounts we got on this car so far are unbelievable. The amount of rebates and "deals" they are offering more than make up for the extra gas that we would use for at least a couple of years! It is so obvious that dealers are hurting to get rid of these vehicles, and we'll be able to get this one well below market value WITH the features we want!

DH has taken both kids and test drove it -- I, of course, can only look at pictures on the internet and the brochure he brought home. But, I trust him.

I hope to get it soon. Before the baby gets here. My parents are planning to come right out after the baby is born, and it would be nice not to have to use two cars all the time for rides around to and from places. So, we'll see how that goes.

Oy, I'm going to be driving a minivan. How did I get here? :)

Not quite as planned...

A was home today since it was Tuesday. E has camp this week, so he is entertained there. I was looking forward to some mommy-A time today. However, I ended up having a horrible reaction to my medication today and must have slept most of the day away. I felt horrible because A ended up watching three movies today (more or less). DH was going to come home around 2 PM, but the person who was supposed to come take over for him didn't show up until almost 4 PM. By that time he picked up E and went to get dinner.

I felt so bad. It was all I could do to make her lunch today without feeling like I was going to just pass out. We didn't play together at all, though she did cuddle with me for awhile while I slept. I must have taken three 90-minute naps along with about 3 or 4 15- to 20-minute dozes. That is what seems to happen lately when I get a bad reaction -- my body just feels so completed wasted, I get lightheaded, and the only thing I can do is sleep.

I can't wait until this pregnancy is done. I want to play with my daughter (and son) again.

My ladybug

Gosh, since I can remember bringing her home, I've always called A "my ladybug." I'm not sure why I started doing this, but usually when I pick her up from preschool, I will give her a huge hug and say "how was my little ladybug today?" or even in the house I will just call her that.

As I mentioned before, she is having a rough time lately with me being on bedrest. Especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays when she doesn't have preschool. Unfortunately, the school is booked solid on those days, and we can't get her in. In the long run though, I do enjoy the time with her, even if it is just sitting on the bed or couch watching movies, doing nails, or just "chatting."

She is very excited about her new sister. She tells everyone she meets that she is going to be a big sister. She kisses my belly. It is just so dang sweet.

However, she made the comment the other night when she was in one of her clingy moods that she was mad at her sister. When I asked her why, she said because her "baby sister" gets to sleep with me at night and she doesn't. (We don't let her sleep in our bed overnight unless there is a good reason like thunder or something scary). Totally took me by surprise because that is just a comment I would have never expected. I tried to explain to her that the baby has to sleep with me because she is in my tummy.

So it made me think of what happens after we bring this baby home. Our plan was to keep her in our room in a pack'n'play/bassinette for a couple of months before moving her into her own room with the crib. I wonder how A is going to react to the baby sleeping with us every night?

I KNOW she is going to have a tough time when I have to spend the night in the hospital for however many nights. I've already tried talking to her about it, but it just ends up in a lot of pouting and tears. She wants to sleep with me there. DH and I agreed that during those nights I'm not at home, he'll let her fall asleep in bed with him and move her over to her room later.

She made the comment tonight at dinner (with her pouty face) that she was sad because I don't call her ladybug that much anymore. Honestly, I still think I do it just as much, but it made me realize how much she really likes it when I do it. For quite a few months up until I got put on bedrest, she didn't want me calling her ladybug anymore, but instead she wanted me to call her "pumpkin," which is my mom's nickname for her.

I told DH tonight that I want to get A a stuffed ladybug that I can give her before I go into the hospital. Just something from me to her that is special to both of us. He loved the idea, and now he, of course, has the job of adding that to his overloaded responsibilities. Even though she has dozens of stuffed animals, I think maybe just one special one might help bridge that gap somehow.

Think we may make 34 weeks

Got back from my doctor's appointment, and even though my BP was 146/88, he wasn't too concerned at this point. I brought him up to date on my symptoms, and everything seemed "normal."

We did another nonstress test today, and again, the first time he wasn't happy with the results because the baby's strip was basically a straight line. I guess that means "nonreactive." However, after drinking a box of juice, the baby became more active, and the doctor seemed much more reassured with the results. Guess I should drink juice immediately before the next test. He is going to do them each week.

I come back on Friday morning to do an ultrasound (yay!) to make sure the baby is still growing as she should. It has already been a month since the last one, can you believe it? Also, I have to bring in my 4th 24-hour urine collection to be analyzed for preeclampsia.

I can't believe I've been on bedrest for a month. It has been a miserable month. I just know that it has to end soon. I mean, she can't stay in there forever! But for now, unless something happens between now and Friday's appointment, I feel comfortable feeling like we are going to hit that magical 34-week mark. And that is a great, great thing.

Will tomorrow bring news of the future?

I have another doctor's appointment Monday morning at 9:15 AM. I'm VERY anxious about it. After all, we are at 33-1/2 weeks, and he wanted to try and get to 34 weeks, which is Thursday. 36 weeks is his absolute goal. However, my BPs have been gradually creeping up this weekend (in the 150s/90s today), and I'm wondering if he is going to either increase my BP meds (god, I hope not just because the side effects are horrible for me) or if we are going to get set to deliver this little girl later this week! I have NO idea how this is going to play out from here!

On to happier thoughts...

The thing that stinks about being on strict bedrest is not being able to get our new baby girl's room ready. We've bought some things and washed the clothes we had purchased and that were given to us by our neighbor. I suppose maybe this 3-day weekend for my hubby and the kids we can start organizing a bit, and I can send them out on a shopping spree to get stuff. I really miss shopping!

We did get a bedroom set for the nursery. It is really cute. It is from Babies R Us, and it is called Tiger Lily. We actually had the room painted when we moved in here almost 3 years ago. It was a darker rose blush type of color, and it was eventually going to be my scrapbook room. But we didn't feel like painting it over again, so we go a set that matched. This one was really cute! It should arrive some time next week.

Hitting the 33-week mark

We made it another week. Tomorrow will be the beginning of week 33. My blood pressures have remained in the 130/140s over 80/90s range. Still getting sick on the meds sometimes. Monday was the worst...I was so miserable that I ended up sleeping 15 of the 24 hours in the day, I just felt like my body was wasting away. I even called my doc's office because I was so lightheaded that I couldn't take a shower.

We have our next appt on Monday. I'm REALLY hoping that he decides it is time to deliver at the 34-week mark and not hold out to the 36 week mark. I know in my head it is better for the baby, and I would probably do it if he thought I would be able to.

But I'm so tired of feeling horrible all the time, especially being on strict bedrest for 4 weeks now. Mentally and physically, it is just exhausting. I can't really read books or magazines because my eyesight gets blurry after a short while. I can't get into movies because I just don't seem to have a very long attention span these days. I'm really worried about my hubby because he is really stressed out, especially with having to take care of me, the kids, the housework, his job, and everything else (he truly is my superman). I'm worried about A because she has really been acting out lately, hating the fact that mommy won't play with her, and wondering why mommy seems sick all of the time. She's been acting out at preschool, and even was a troublemaker yesterday at a playdate she had. E is actually handling it best of all.

I can't wait to meet this little girl. We have her name already picked out, and I just want to deliver her and meet her and hold her already.

One day shy of 32 weeks...

It has been a rough past few days. I started developing more symptoms of what could have been either preeclampsia or medication side effects. For about 4 to 5 hours on Monday, I had blurry vision (had trouble reading the computer, magazine, or TiVo listings), a dull annoying headache (not severe by any means), lightheadedness, and just overall generalized weakness all over my body. Called the doctor that afternoon, and he wanted me to come in the next day.

Same thing happened again yesterday for a couple of hours. It feels as if you just have no energy and are falling apart.

Went in to see the doctor again, and my BP there was very good, 130/85 I think it was. We (DH was with me) talked to him about all the symptoms including not feeling the baby as often, so he did a non-stress test on the baby for about 30 minutes. She was sleeping when we started, and then they gave me some juice. That woke her up for about 10 minutes, and then she went back to sleep. But the doctor felt good that she was able to be alert and she definitely started flopping around during the test.

He still doesn't think I have toxemia "yet, but it is inevitable". However, he does think that because I am now on a huge amount of medication that these are all side effects from the meds. It does make sense from the standpoint that I feels the worst about 2 hours after taking them, especially the morning dose. But because we want to be sure, I turned in my 24-hour urine collection in this morning plus they drew blood again for a toxemia panel.

We are in a balancing act right now. He says for every day we keep the baby inside that is two days that she won't have to spend in the NICU. We got to keep trying to shoot for 34 weeks, but he would be "ecstatic" if we could make it to 36. But when we get to the point where toxemia really hits, then it is "time to take her out."

I made a huge mistake today. After my blood work this morning, I decided to go to the supermarket down the street from the doctor's office to pick up something that I could throw into the oven for dinner tonight. I started walking through the store, and I quickly became very lightheaded, clammy, and I got to the point that I had to leave my cart, which I had filled with fruits, dinner, and a couple of other things, in front of the bathroom and had to sit in the bathroom for about 5 minutes just to cool down and catch my breath. I ended up walking out of the store without my groceries, just left them in front of the bathroom. I then sat in my car for about 20 minutes with the AC blasting at the highest level just so I could cool myself down enough to drive home. I promise I won't do that again. I really just wanted to do something productive, but now I know that I NEED the bedrest because I apparently can't handle just simple things right now.

My future...

I found my old blog earlier this evening. I realized that I really haven't truly blogged like I used to. Sharing stories, feelings, and just otherwise sharing whatever I want, whenever I want. That lead me to a internal dilemma about why I haven't posted much about things that are going on in my head, especially about this pregnancy.

I'm going to be a mom for the third time. I'm going to have a newborn baby girl in probably less than a month, and I have absolutely no clue on how to handle a newborn! A was already 6 months old when we brought her home, and E was already 14 months. I feel like I'm starting backwards -- going from toddler to infant to newborn.

There is a part of me that, even as I type this I can't believe it, is still in denial about this baby. I know all the crap I've been going through. I know in my head she is there. I feel her, even with my anterior placenta, kicking around in there as if there is a little alien inside my stomach trying to punch her way out.

I'm not "attached" to the idea of her yet. I look inside the room which will be hers. I see the stuff we have purchased so far still on the bed and not put away. Still have a long way to go until the room is "ready." Still have a LOT of stuff yet to buy for her. But most of all, I just can't picture my life with her in it. I just still am in denial that she is coming for some reason. Stupid, I know, believe me.

At least I know in my heart that once she is here, this feeling will go away. Maybe it is because we have had so many "false hopes" in the past with bringing our children home -- even with E (getting him home two months after 9/11) and dealing with two trips to bring A home (with the Beslan school shooting in between, just 30 miles from her orphanage), along with the three previous miscarriages.

I think I just need to see her face, touch her, and just hold her to know that she is really real and that she is going to be mine.

Going in the right direction finally!

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for your support and advice, especially from those of you who have been here before. It is immeasurable!

Great news. I got the call from my OBs office, and my protein has actually gone down to 180 from 265ish! 300 ml is the cutoff for a preeclampsia diagnosis, so this is fantastic news. I've been monitoring my BP at home, and it has stayed in the mid 130s over upper 70s/lower 80s for the past 24 hours. Excellent, excellent so far. I am "under control" for now. Just at least another 3 more weeks!

The meds are still wiping me out some. I seem to fall asleep about an hour or two after each dose for at least 90 minutes to 2 hours. But it is better than that second day I took them when I ended up sleeping most of the day away -- 2 hour nap, 4 hour nap, and then going to bed early still! I guess this is what it is like "getting used to them."

My OB says that the meds "won't work like this forever," because at some point my body will adjust to them and my BP is going to go up. But if it can last for at least 3 weeks that will bring us to the 34-week mark (as we hit the 31-week mark yesterday). That is our goal!

So until that time, I'm still on strict bedrest, and I go back to the OBs office on Wednesday with another 24-hour collection.

Better but wiped out.

Yesterday, I went to my primary care doctor for an EKG and to get my BP checked. It was actually 138/82! The lowest it has been this whole time. My EKG came back normal, yay, and my doc doesn't think it is underlying chronic hypertension. That's not to say that I may not develop chronic hypertension after this pregnancy.

Went back to my OBGYN today, and my BP was 144/84. He was pleased that it is somewhat down again, even if it is still a bit high. He talked to his colleague at the Baylor High Risk unit, and unless my BP jumps up quickly again, he agrees that we are on the right course of action.

I dropped off my 24-hour urine again this morning, and I"m keeping my fingers crossed that my protein is stable or creeps JUST a bit, nothing drastic. It was in the upper-mid 200s last week, and 300 ml is the cutoff for toxemia. I'm VERY anxious to see what those results are.

However, for now, this meds increase is kicking my butt hard. I'm exhausted all the time, and I even took a 3 hour nap yesterday AND went to bed early. I talked to both docs, and sedation is a side effect, but man, it really is wiping me out. I'm barely holding my head up as I type this, and it is only 9:35 AM. I'm off to take a nap after this.

Unfortunately, according to my doc, the meds will only work for so long until they have to go to the next step which is either additional meds, change in meds, or worst case IV medication with hospital bedrest. I just hope we can keep them going for a while.

We are at 31 weeks tomorrow - yay! Bought another week at least. We'll see what the protein shows tomorrow. At least that will give me a gauge as to how the toxemia is developing. If nothing dramatic happens in the meantime, my next appointment is one week from today.

Off to sleep...again...