"At least it didn't go down..."

This is what I keep telling myself today after we found out there had been relatively little change in Baby H's platelet or direct bilirubin counts. Her platelets went from 40 to 41 in the 24-hour period, and her direct bilirubin went from 2.2 to 2.1. Definitely not the change we were hoping for, but "at least her platelet's didn't go down." Now, we just wait 48 hours for another blood test to see if there is any change. I do know the neonatologist is having a "call" with the Hematology group downtown because, I guess, they aren't really sure where to go next on this.

I went to see Baby H early this morning for a couple of hours. I fed her, but most of the time I just let her sleep on my chest or in my arms, and I just could not stop looking at her and caressing her. I feel like it is all I can do to get close to her at this point since there are so many hours in a day that she gets no contact from any of us. We, the four of us, went to do the early evening feeding, and then I went back again this evening for another hour to do the evening feeding and more bonding.

Tomorrow, both kids go to camp, and it will be good for them to get back into a routine. I'll probably spend most of the day with Baby H at the hospital, but I also have to call both my OBGYN and regular doctor to schedule followups, especially since my BP cuff isn't working anymore for some reason.

DH is going to visit Baby H early in the morning since he has to go back to work tomorrow. I feel so bad for him. He is so stressed out and has been incredibly overloaded these past two months. He is SO good with her. He loves feeding her, changing her diapers, and changing her clothes. I love watching him stare into her face and talk to her. It really bothers him that he can't spend more time with her in the NICU now that he has to go back to work. But really, until we know what is going on, there isn't any reason for him not to go back at this point -- hopefully, when we bring her home, he can take a few more days off to enjoy her and adjust to our new family.

The kids are doing okay with the new baby. I think the lack of structure and routine has created incredible havoc on them, especially A. She has been REALLY difficult since I went into the hospital...the "not listening," hitting, running off, etc. E has surprisingly been pretty good with everything, especially considering his ADHD.

You know, the hardest part about Baby H being in the hospital is that we have no progress at this point. It's like I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel yet, and that is just killing me. I know in my head this isn't the case, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am being punished for not feeling "connected" to her while I was still pregnant and other feelings that I felt when I first found out about being pregnant. But now, I can't imagine loving her anymore than I already do. Just laying in my hospital room that second day with her on my chest for two hours, just the two of us, I just fell in love with her completely. Now I can't seem to get her off my mind and wish I could just sit and hold her all day and night long.

I need her home...please, please, please let something positive happen with her counts on Tuesday morning. This is really killing me.