My future...

I found my old blog earlier this evening. I realized that I really haven't truly blogged like I used to. Sharing stories, feelings, and just otherwise sharing whatever I want, whenever I want. That lead me to a internal dilemma about why I haven't posted much about things that are going on in my head, especially about this pregnancy.

I'm going to be a mom for the third time. I'm going to have a newborn baby girl in probably less than a month, and I have absolutely no clue on how to handle a newborn! A was already 6 months old when we brought her home, and E was already 14 months. I feel like I'm starting backwards -- going from toddler to infant to newborn.

There is a part of me that, even as I type this I can't believe it, is still in denial about this baby. I know all the crap I've been going through. I know in my head she is there. I feel her, even with my anterior placenta, kicking around in there as if there is a little alien inside my stomach trying to punch her way out.

I'm not "attached" to the idea of her yet. I look inside the room which will be hers. I see the stuff we have purchased so far still on the bed and not put away. Still have a long way to go until the room is "ready." Still have a LOT of stuff yet to buy for her. But most of all, I just can't picture my life with her in it. I just still am in denial that she is coming for some reason. Stupid, I know, believe me.

At least I know in my heart that once she is here, this feeling will go away. Maybe it is because we have had so many "false hopes" in the past with bringing our children home -- even with E (getting him home two months after 9/11) and dealing with two trips to bring A home (with the Beslan school shooting in between, just 30 miles from her orphanage), along with the three previous miscarriages.

I think I just need to see her face, touch her, and just hold her to know that she is really real and that she is going to be mine.